Thursday, May 18, 2006

I hate my feet

Truly, I hate my feet. I have never actually liked my feet, and they are not aging well at all.

At birth, they were clubbed. At 6 months old, they were put in casts. After the casts came off, they went into those funky shoes that look like they are on the wrong feet (I still have one of those shoes somewhere in the house). Once those came off, I broke my leg and was in a body cast. Thank goodness I was only 9 months old and have NO memory of that particular ordeal. My mother and grandmother still tell stories about spraying my butt with Lysol when it became just a little too odoriferous. My dad lucked out with that one, too since he was serving in Vietnam at the time (yes, I am THAT old) I was in the body cast. Infant with perma-poop cast or a war zone, you pick.

Where was I? Oh yes, at age 3, I started ballet classes. They stopped when I was 14. My feet were flat, very, very flat. From toddlerhood up to now, when I walk around with wet feet on concrete, I leave oval-shaped footprints. My arch touches the ground when I stand. Ballet instructors want their students to have nice arches when their toes are pointed. I pointed and pointed and pointed to the point where tendons would spasm and the bones would sort of lock up. Still, no arch would form. I wobbled around en pointe so much that my toenails all fell off (iiiiiicccccckkkkk!), and still, no arch. My toe shoes always wore out on the edge of the 'box' rather than on the flat part.

Here I am at the ripe old age of **, and now I have feet that hurt pretty much all the time. Well, the foot where I broke three bones last spring hurts a lot less than the so-called healthy foot. Funny, huh? Somehow, the process of breaking bones in my foot realigned the three middle toes corresponding to the bones that broke. Translation: My feet don't match anymore. I'd post pictures, but I hate my feet. If I don't like looking at my feet, why would I subject anybody else to them?

I'm also starting to develop a misshapen bunion-type thingy on both of the tootsies. My younger sister has already had major surgery to deconstruct and put back together one of her feet. I suspect she will wind up having to have the other done as well. In the meantime, I imagine her feet are more mismatched than mine. The way I'm going, I'll wind up having similar stuff done in another 10 - 15 years. Boy, doesn't that sound like fun? Major surgery, big pain and then not allowed to walk at all for 2 months! Yippee!

I can't wear sandals because my feet roll in them. I won't wear cute open-anything shoes because my feet are hideously ugly. Maybe if I paint the toenails, I'll like my feet better? Nah. I've been hating them for way too long.

I did learn, a few years ago, not to put bright yellow polish on your toenails. Instead of looking bright and cheery, my toes looked diseased. Tealy green polish can have the same effect. Just so you know.



** 34


Tree said...

That is just crazy about your feet! I find it interesting how critical we are of every part of our bodies, even our amazing feet.

Teresa (note to self, no green nail polish)

Keith said...

I am not clear why females paint their toenails. No male has ever said, "Well, she was really mean to me, but she had beautiful toenails."