Thursday, December 07, 2006

Finding forgiveness... for myself!

I can find all sorts of ways to excuse myself and justify my mistake. S. was distracting me; L. wouldn't stop crying; my mom disrupted the routine; I'm sleep deprived; etc., etc., etc. In the end, though, it was my mistake and mine alone, and three days later I still feel sick, really and truly sick to my stomach.

You see, L. wanted some milk, and I didn't pay close enough attention to what I was doing. I let the distractions and noise around me distract me. I fixed up her bottle and handed it to her. She put it in her mouth, yanked it out, made a face, shook her head 'no' and handed it back. I set the bottle back down, and L. started fussing for her 'ba-ba' again. Again, I gave it to her. Again, she put it in her mouth, yanked it out, made a face, shook her head 'no' and handed it back. And again, I put the 'ba-ba' down on the table in the kitchen. Only after the third time we went through the request, reject, put down only to beg for it again did I actually look at what was in the 'ba-ba.'

In my clueless, careless, fuzzy state, I had given my deathly allergic child a bottle of cow's milk not soy milk. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so careless? How grateful I am that my child knew she shouldn't have it. How supremely glad I am that the only bad thing to happen was one wretchedly smelly and messy poopy diaper with a bit of diaper rash.

I need to find forgiveness for myself. My daughter has forgiven me already.

I guess this could be added to Gretchen's call for mother of the year, but I'm still too shaken up.



Mayberry said...

Oh, my gosh, what a horrible feeling. I'm so glad she's OK.

joansy said...

I'm so sorry L. It's definitely a sucky feeling. This summer I made a stupid mistake in the swimming pool while holding both girls - we all went under. In the end they were both fine, but that horrible feeling I had for the 30 seconds of seeing my baby face down in the water while I rescued the other is one that I will never, ever forget. It's taken months and I'm slowly learning to forgive myself. All that we can do is recognize that we make mistakes, learn from them, and move on. Giant, enormous hugs.

Tree said...

Mrs. W, I know you have already beaten yourself to a pulp over this. Forgive yourself, okay?


Builder Mama said...

I think anyone with a food allergic child has one of these moments. I know I have with Monkey Man, and it's a horrible feeling even if nothing happens.

Hugs to you...

Spazbomb said...

Look at this way. You've obviously done such a great job at making her aware of the situation with cows milk that she was able to identify the fact she couldn't have it. You've given her a life skill and the fact she used it at home can give you confidence that she'll be able to handle the same mistake if she were out of your care for a day or so. You made a mistake but your teaching has paid off. Look at the positives.