Thursday, April 10, 2008

Security Deposit Forfeiture

To: Former Tenants
Re: Forfeiture of Security Deposit

Be it known that former Tenants, S., L. and A. have been found jointly and severally liable for the following damages.

1. Vericose veins: 1 on inner right calf;
2. Significant Stretchmarks: Lower, mid and upper belly plus chest and outer thigh;
3. Bust droopage;
4. Odd skin pigmentation: 2 brown spots on face; and
5. Sleep deprivation corrollating to the loss of 1 year life expectancy.

Former tenants may choose from the following options for repayment of structural damages:

Option A
1. Erase, remove or otherwise obliterate Vericose Veins;
2. Erase, remove or otherwise obliterate Significant Stretchmarks;
3. Repair and/or replace bust back to its original pre-tenancy condition;
4. Erase, remove or otherwise obliterate strange facial colorations; and
5. Permit Landlord to sleep in until 10 am each and every Saturday morning into perpetuity.

Option B
1. Provide hugs, kisses and 'I love you's into perpetuity;
2. Provide entertainment by way of cute child moments on into adulthood;
3. Provide stress while Landlord and Landlord's Partner attempt to prepare former tenants for adulthood.
4. Tenants are to cherish one another even in the midst of ridiculous bickering that has left Landlord feeling the urge to pierce her own eardrums; and
5. Tenants to serve as reminder for Landlord and Landlord's Partner's devotion to one another.

Be it known that Landlord hopes and prays that former tenants choose Option B. Landlord loves tenants very much even if she does experience some insecurity concerning her appearance post-tenancy.


Mayberry said...

awwwww! perfect.

Tree said...

You are clever!

Absolutely, B.

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