Friday, June 06, 2008

Trying to find my way out of the blues

This has been a rough couple months on the mental/emotional health front. Between postpartum hormones, work stress, home stress and seeing my co-worker go through losing his son, my mental health is a little precarious. To the point that I've gone on bcp to try to regulate the hormone flucations at least. They don't seem to be working. Next step would be to go on some anti-anxiety medication.

Logically, I know I should probably bite the bullet and take my doc up on the prescription he offered. Emotionally, I just can't quite do it. The funny thing is that I am almost certain that the emotions keeping me from taking the anti-anxiety medication are false and would go away once I finally started the meds. The analytical part of me is slightly amused by the cyclical nature of what's going on in my head. Uber-anxiety leads to a need for the medication but the uber-anxiety keeps me from taking the medication I need.

The not-so-analytical part of me is afraid to go to sleep at night thanks to the nightmares I've been having. The nightmare/lack of sleep thing is also very chicken-and-egg. Poor sleep leads to nightmares which leads to worse sleep which leads to worse nightmares and on and on. I've taken to working out at night for two reasons: 1. the endorphins are good for the spirit and 2. if I'm physically worn out, I fall asleep faster and am somewhat less likely to have nightmares.

On the bright side, I'm not in a position of being a danger to me or my family. However, I am not nearly as laidback as I ordinarily am. To the point where my boss asked me what was going on after I snapped at her a couple times.


Laura said...

However you manage yourself through this difficult time, you know you have mountains of people the other end of this blog sending heart-felt vibes your way.

We heart you.

Mayberry said...

Aww, Mrs. W. I am so sorry to hear this. I've been having anxiety dreams lately and I can only imagine what you're going through is much more difficult. Take care.

Anonymous said...

Why would you NOT want to go on anti-anxiety medication? Bad side effects? Expensive? Addictive? Feel like a moral failure?

Maybe I'm missing something, but I say try it if you want to.