So why does it hurt?

My grandma passed away October 31. She had been very sick with circulatory issues, heart troubles and alzheimer's/dementia for a long time. She was depressed, scared, confused and difficult to be around. We knew she did not have much time with us, and yet it was a terrible shock to me to get the phone call. I had so hoped to see her at Thanksgiving so she could see my girls one more time.

Now she is at peace. No longer in pain. No longer confused. No longer angry. No longer sick. No longer depressed.

The vibrant, shopaholic, funny and interesting woman she used to be has been gone for some time now. So why does it hurt so much that she is gone? Did I have a hope in my heart that one day she would get better? Did I think that she would miraculously learn my girls' names? Did I really expect her to hop out of that wheelchair and go bowling again? Yes... I did. I really and truly did.

I have the engagement ring my grandfather gave her, but I'd much rather have one more night bowling. Her bowling technique wasn't exactly graceful, but she always scored much better than I ever could (even after taking a course in college). She was one of those lob-and-thunk bowlers. She'd get a good run up to the line and chuck that ball in the air. It would sail halfway down the lane before finally hitting the wood with a loud 'thunk' and then rolling the rest of the way down, knocking over most of the pins.

I miss you, Gramma...